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The porcine groin bouquet is a bit sweet and a bit musky -- kind of like what you might expect from a corpse, or a Kardashian when no cameras are around.

I can't recommend it. Fleshlight has apparently sold over seven million units worldwide. There's a reason Fleshlight hasn't hired me as an ad man.

That aside, the inside of a Fleshlight is soft, squishy, and textured with various nubs, swirls, and ridges. The basic goal of a Fleshlight was to make a vagina into a handheld device; an idea that will get exponentially creepier the more time you devote to thinking about it.

Fleshlight It's like if Ed Gein got into porn and collected just one body part. Patented in , the Fleshlight was the answer to the warm meat conundrum: How can I rub my chub in a way that is more exotic and satisfying than using my hand, but will not leave a slime trail of salmonella bacteria on my sack?

Many people claim the Fleshlight is even better than the real thing, at which point we're left to consider whether by "real thing" they mean their hand -- which of course they don't mean -- or an actual human vagina -- which, sadly, they do mean.

The existential sadness of anyone claiming that a disembodied rubber vag-sleeve is better than having sex with another person is something no Cracked columnist can dare take on without some serious alcohol to fuel the poetic ennui that will follow.

I refuse the challenge, because I have masters to bate and a soul that still glows a little when you say nice things to it.

Maybe one day, if I ever willingly take a nap on a back alley mattress and start agreeing with things Donald Trump says, I'll be able to revisit this idea, but until then, no.

No sir. Now, this isn't to say a Fleshlight is an unpleasant experience. If you have the chance, you go ahead and pork that little rubber fun hole.

It's not bad at all. I would argue that a Fleshlight is to sex what Taco Bell is to a Mexican banquet. It's not really in the ballpark, and sure, some snotty people who think they're better than you will make fun of it.

But you know what? When you're drunk at 2 a. The major downside to the Fleshlight is that it's a lot like manual labor. Masturbating with your hand affords you that flesh-to-flesh connection.

It's not work; it's personal grooming. You're cleaning your pipes. But the Fleshlight in hand makes it a bit more like mixing a never-ending martini that you can't drink -- and instead of an olive, you're garnishing it with man nectar that you need to hose out the end of a length of flopping, disembodied, pseudo-vaginal canal.

Gritty Woman At which point, your only hope is to become turned on by tapeworms. I want you to put on your 3D glasses, hop on your hoverboard, and start eating astronaut ice cream, because the future of tugging on your tuber is now.

The Autoblow 2 is the most advanced form of wanking mankind has to offer. After this, we can only design robot arms with gentle-yet-firm jacking motions.

And you know after the preliminary trials, the whole project is going to be set back when one goes haywire and yanks some volunteer's dick off with such force that it gets javelined across a room and embedded in a brick wall.

The Autoblow takes the basic premise of a Fleshlight -- a fake, semi-realistic vagina with a tail -- and adds a new dimension of awesome that the old Fleshlight failed miserably at achieving.

This dimension is, of course, autonomy. You can read a damn book while this thing grinds your organ. You'll probably need to balance it between your thighs a little, or wedge it slightly between yourself and a pillow.

But with only a little effort, you're doing your taxes, you're eating pudding, you're braiding your hair, whatever.

Sky's the limit. Letsgasm Be mindful of which pudding you eat, however. The clear upside of the Autoblow is that it finally takes masturbation out of your hands.

You just have to be comfortable with a Donkey Kong-esque barrel on your junk. It has variable speeds as well, so you can go from lazy Quaalude mumble-munch to Furious 7 Vin Diesel power gulp.

The downside to the Autoblow, depending on how you feel about noise, is that it sounds like you're being blown by the factory from the end The Terminator.

Just a cacophony of churning, rumbling gears, and actuators slouching along towards Jizzrael. Orion Pictures "Live with me if you want to cum.

The other issue here is one of balance. The Autoblow's big selling point is that it saves you the dreaded carpal tunnel and wrist stress of all compulsive masturbators before you, but it's still not entirely hands-free.

It's got girth -- it's like you're trying to fuck a two-liter bottle of root beer that's really into it -- but you either have to hold it up or, as I said, find some way to balance it.

Or as a last ditch effort, you need to stand and place it at wang level with something to weigh it down and just be there, in the moment.

A dude with his dick in a blowie machine. Has technology improved the wank? Have our advances in texturized rubbers improved our alone time?

Is the handjob your grandfather's handjob? After thorough consideration, weighing all pros and cons, I have to conclude that traditional, you-and-your-dirty-kielbasa-claw masturbation is still the best form.

Ease of use. It's as simple as that. Sure, the Autoblow is an impressive sensation, but can you do that on an elevator with a hole cut in the pocket of your dress pants without anyone else noticing?

Not at all. Are you taking a few minutes out of your workday to "go to the bathroom" and bringing a Fleshlight? Do you dare smuggle a ham sandwich into a movie theater?

Steve Jobs. Fact is, your hand belongs on your arm, so no one is ever suspicious when you have it. You never need to plan to bring it anywhere, and you never need to hide it or prepare it or sanitize it and put it away when you're done.

These other methods are like those kitchen gadgets they advertise in infomercials. Sure, maybe you could buy the Bullet home smoothie-making kit and use it a few times, but for the most part, you're just filling a plain old cup with vodka and drinking that.

It's simple. It's what you've been doing your whole life. It's efficient, and at the end of the day, it does the job perfectly.

So in a way, technology has indeed changed the way you jerk off -- and maybe even made it feel better, or at least different.

But did it improve it? Will it replace it? No it won't. Masturbatory scientists have been at it for a long time heh.

And see their greatest breakthrough yet: Masturbation Cream. No this isn't a lubricant for sex. Notice the progressive nature of Cherie or your girlfriend.

Dani Daniels is no stranger to JOI porn nor is she a new face. Consistently performing since the last decade, the beautiful brown-haired slut is a must watch.

Due to the rising demand and popularity, every adult studio demands her holes on the set. She even has abs if you need an additional stimulus.

Just think on how you could grind your dick on that ribbed stomach. Solid style, great looks, a sublime body, etc.

Amber Hahn or Just Amber works across the globe with all the studios you know and subscribe to. She's a big, tall, and healthy girl with big natural tits, long legs, and girl-next-door looks.

Like fun times with lesbians and fucking one another using different toys. Listen carefully as she tells you what to do and how to do it. If you struggle at jerking off, Amber will provide you with a lot of detail on how to stimulate yourself properly.

What about ass and arched back? The front is better than the back, if you know what I mean. At 41, Alexis Fontaine, also known as Raylene, has been around for 17 years.

In case you get to know Alexis outside the virtual reality, try not to choker on the massive bush that always gets in a way.

Skilled at playing a hot MILF and mom, it was only natural that Alexis also added jerk off instruction videos to the resume. You can see this JOI pornstar perform these scenes with other, equally busty babes that often get overshadowed by the main star of the party.

However, don't forget about her personal work for Brazzers. Another UK girl, Sophie Dee, is a jack and master of all trades when it comes to porn.

We love to see this juicy BBW fuck, get oiled up, and toy other girls. Nonetheless, Sophie also gives incredible jerk off instructions as she plays with tits and fake dicks.

How good of a provider is Dee? Get a load of her on Brazzers. This is the main site to follow as it features dozens of videos, not just from Sophie but other JOI pornstars.

The mastermind of porn and a black belt owner of cock sucking, Asa Akira is good at many things. One of them is jerking off instructions with some humiliation the end.

You should know by now that Asa betrayed millions of fans worldwide and told them to suck it up. In other words, the porn industry of today now longer features the brunette babe.

The final trooper is no other than the legendary Sarah Vandella. Man, some pornstars go into the hall of fame while and are replaced or overshadowed by random new hoes, while others stay in our hearts.

Not just for myself, but for thousands of not millions of other porn viewers. Some humiliation at the end is also there. Everything about Sarah is great!

Even goes deep with incest taboos and mistress JOI. Humiliating viewers is like second nature to her and all is done while wearing tiny corsets, latex, and other outfits.

Anything that reveals entirely too much. Be warned though, this busty brunette is as kinky as they come.

She's available on the PornPros. When Daisy is not giving jerking off instructions, expect to see this babe in the usual habitat.

Her mouth is perfect for dirty talk and cock hiding. Can swallow units big and small, wide and pencil thin. What we are saying is that Daisy is as strong with her performance as any other pornstar.

Smooth black hair that likely received keratin treatment, tiny hands and devilish eyes. Also, always shaved cunt, which is a big advantage in this age of porn.

Skinny little Riley Reed is doomed to remain cute forever. This is a perfect girl for all our teen fantasies. In the scene pictured above, one of the top JOI pornstars puts on quite the performance.

Acting as a naive but horny homeschooled year-old opens our pores the promising start. The scenario continues as Riley lets a stranded stranger into her house and kicks off a boner-inducing jerk off instruction scene.

However, don't stop there, check her first anal video and other hot clips on Brazzers. Is this the looks? The furiously good body and tits?

Maybe the brunette friend that too loves to stroke a good dick?

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Trending Searches. Trending Pornstars See All. Maitland Ward 18 videos. Gemma Massey 13 videos. Asa Akira videos. Rebeca Linares videos.

Most Popular Pornstars See All. Lana Rhoades videos. It's not really in the ballpark, and sure, some snotty people who think they're better than you will make fun of it.

But you know what? When you're drunk at 2 a. The major downside to the Fleshlight is that it's a lot like manual labor. Masturbating with your hand affords you that flesh-to-flesh connection.

It's not work; it's personal grooming. You're cleaning your pipes. But the Fleshlight in hand makes it a bit more like mixing a never-ending martini that you can't drink -- and instead of an olive, you're garnishing it with man nectar that you need to hose out the end of a length of flopping, disembodied, pseudo-vaginal canal.

Gritty Woman At which point, your only hope is to become turned on by tapeworms. I want you to put on your 3D glasses, hop on your hoverboard, and start eating astronaut ice cream, because the future of tugging on your tuber is now.

The Autoblow 2 is the most advanced form of wanking mankind has to offer. After this, we can only design robot arms with gentle-yet-firm jacking motions.

And you know after the preliminary trials, the whole project is going to be set back when one goes haywire and yanks some volunteer's dick off with such force that it gets javelined across a room and embedded in a brick wall.

The Autoblow takes the basic premise of a Fleshlight -- a fake, semi-realistic vagina with a tail -- and adds a new dimension of awesome that the old Fleshlight failed miserably at achieving.

This dimension is, of course, autonomy. You can read a damn book while this thing grinds your organ. You'll probably need to balance it between your thighs a little, or wedge it slightly between yourself and a pillow.

But with only a little effort, you're doing your taxes, you're eating pudding, you're braiding your hair, whatever. Sky's the limit.

Letsgasm Be mindful of which pudding you eat, however. The clear upside of the Autoblow is that it finally takes masturbation out of your hands.

You just have to be comfortable with a Donkey Kong-esque barrel on your junk. It has variable speeds as well, so you can go from lazy Quaalude mumble-munch to Furious 7 Vin Diesel power gulp.

The downside to the Autoblow, depending on how you feel about noise, is that it sounds like you're being blown by the factory from the end The Terminator.

Just a cacophony of churning, rumbling gears, and actuators slouching along towards Jizzrael. Orion Pictures "Live with me if you want to cum.

The other issue here is one of balance. The Autoblow's big selling point is that it saves you the dreaded carpal tunnel and wrist stress of all compulsive masturbators before you, but it's still not entirely hands-free.

It's got girth -- it's like you're trying to fuck a two-liter bottle of root beer that's really into it -- but you either have to hold it up or, as I said, find some way to balance it.

Or as a last ditch effort, you need to stand and place it at wang level with something to weigh it down and just be there, in the moment.

A dude with his dick in a blowie machine. Has technology improved the wank? Have our advances in texturized rubbers improved our alone time?

Is the handjob your grandfather's handjob? After thorough consideration, weighing all pros and cons, I have to conclude that traditional, you-and-your-dirty-kielbasa-claw masturbation is still the best form.

Ease of use. It's as simple as that. Sure, the Autoblow is an impressive sensation, but can you do that on an elevator with a hole cut in the pocket of your dress pants without anyone else noticing?

Not at all. Are you taking a few minutes out of your workday to "go to the bathroom" and bringing a Fleshlight? Do you dare smuggle a ham sandwich into a movie theater?

Steve Jobs. Fact is, your hand belongs on your arm, so no one is ever suspicious when you have it. You never need to plan to bring it anywhere, and you never need to hide it or prepare it or sanitize it and put it away when you're done.

These other methods are like those kitchen gadgets they advertise in infomercials. Sure, maybe you could buy the Bullet home smoothie-making kit and use it a few times, but for the most part, you're just filling a plain old cup with vodka and drinking that.

It's simple. It's what you've been doing your whole life. It's efficient, and at the end of the day, it does the job perfectly. Sister Jerks Off Little Brother.

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